Joy Circles + Joyful Support Steps: A Simple Tool for Practical Support

Lacey: 00:00:06

Welcome to No Shame In Our Game.

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The podcast that cares.

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I still go back to it How your life feels.

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Not Looks still the same.

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Still the same thing.

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oh.

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I'm Lacey, you're a little, flustered.

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Co-host today with Sarah, our

giggling co-host at my flustered ness.

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Hi Sarah.

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Sara: Hi Sarah Hi Sarah Hi

Sarah Oh my gosh I just said

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Lacey: Oh, you will hear more

Violet in the background.

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She's currently having the time

of her life watching this Rachel,

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Sara: hi Sarah

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Lacey: Hey, welcome yourself.

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That's fine.

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Sara: No it's just I keep getting older

Like I talk to myself like now I'm like

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saying hi to myself talk to birds like

I'm just leaning into this older age

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Consider me your elder I'm good with that

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Lacey: Do you wanna say.

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Sara: Oh hi Lacey

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Lacey: some like housekeeping

stuff maybe that we will start

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to talk about and address.

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We are rebranding the Joyful

Support Movement to Practical

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Hug, which feels so good.

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I wrote about it in our

newsletter the newsletter's

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called The Practical Hug and just.

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the more that Sarah and I have

said that the more that we've just

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fallen in love with that name.

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And the more that we wanna be very

clear that what we are offering is

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practical and emotional support.

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And so the practical hug that feels

like it says exactly what we want.

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Sara: Yes When you came up with the

name for that newsletter I was so

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excited and yeah when you said when

this all came about I was just like oh

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yeah this all feels it just feels right

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Lacey: Yeah.

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Sara: it just feels right

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Lacey: We will be the Practical

Hug Network, but the good news

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is Joyful Support still exists.

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It's one of our tools, and we're

actually gonna talk about the

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Joyful Support tool today and the

exciting first event we've ever done.

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Sara: Yes I mentioned in a previous

newsletter that I did an in-person Joy

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Circle which is doing the joyful support

steps which we will go into a little bit

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more and doing them in a group environment

cause there's no wrong way to do this

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but there is a little bit of Magic When

you bring people together with the same

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intention you've seen that in all areas

of your life Whatever activity it is

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there's just something you can't put

your finger on oh my gosh yes I was so

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excited to introduce the tool to more

people and to do it in person and just

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see how people relaxed and unfolded

and what they took away was beautiful

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Lacey: Not that I didn't think

you would have people, but you had

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eight participants, which in person

in the middle of January feels.

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Sara: Yes

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Lacey: end of January.

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Sara: Yes it was 10 total with me and

the owner of the place where we hosted

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it Jillian shout out pedal and hive

all natural beauty products 10 of us

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together It was so perfect And yeah

same thing I thought it's cold it's dark

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people wanna get home But no everyone

showed up early and was excited and

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I was nervous I was gonna be sitting

there staring at the wall but I trusted

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that everyone who needed to show up

would show up and that's what happened

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Lacey: So real quick, we'll go through

the joyful support steps, quick

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Origin, joyful support, origin story.

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This is from Sarah and I's relationship

In our partnership, we kind of figured

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out how our two life experiences and.

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Businesses came together and came up

with this practice that we essentially

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kind of did together anyway.

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, We do it back and forth

to each other regularly.

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We start most over meetings this

way now where we do these steps

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just because they're very grounding

and they're very rooted in action.

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Reflection at the same time.

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So this is where our, story,

joy step concept comes from.

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So the first step is.

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Stories.

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So like what's going on?

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Now, this can be a big story like

your life, but it can just be right

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now this stupid thing just happened

and that's where my brain is at.

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So you can really make it big or small.

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Totally up to you, joy.

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Any, any joy, gratitude, happiness,

nugget of something that is bringing

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you that, that good feeling within.

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And then step, and again, the smallest

of steps, the biggest of steps,

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whatever you need in that moment.

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It doesn't have to be related

to your story, it doesn't have

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to be related to your joy.

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They can all be different.

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But the idea here is you're

kind of defining where you are.

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You're getting some.

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Joy fuel to move forward, and

then you're figuring out that

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step to move forward, and we found

it to be a really powerful tool.

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Sara: I get excited just hearing you talk

about that because it has helped me so

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much So when you talk about it my body

is yes let's do it right what I love is

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I've been in therapy since oh my gosh

40 30 I don't know just go with three

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decades what I found was the therapist

that I work with that gave me tools to

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put my toolbox Those were the ones that

felt the most impactful it's one thing

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to just to talk about it What you do with

your therapist is your story but then

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to have that tool so I love that this

is like a tool that you can always have

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with you it's accessible It's easy It's

helpful And like you said it is pausing

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to reflect And then also action based

right So it's not all one or the other

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I'm so excited for people to use this tool

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Lacey: I've said this before.

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I've used this in my parenting when

I'm like sitting with my kid and

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I know they need something from

me and I don't know what to do.

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I've used these, these things of

like, alright, well are you ready

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to talk about what's going on?

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No.

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Okay, well then let's think of something

that will come back to that one.

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Let's think of something that makes

us happy and, you know, or, or joy.

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And it's been a really good way.

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To kind of structure, especially those

like, moments after a big, meltdown or

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whatnot, because it kind of helps them

like ground themselves in that stuff too.

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and let me just say, Sarah and I are not.

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Sara: Leaders

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Lacey: We're not, that, we're

not, psychological researchers

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or anything like that.

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And we're basing this in our

own practice, in our own lives.

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And I can find elements of this

in a lot of different things.

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Like one of my, favorite,

self-help writers, her name's

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Brit Frank, and one of the things

she talks about are micro yeses.

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What are the smallest.

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Little thing that you can say yes to.

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And I'm like, yeah, that's the step.

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So this is isn't necessarily anything

groundbreaker new, we know that.

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But what it is, is it's putting it in

this nice little box that you can then

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access quickly and know what to do next.

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I just had an idea.

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What if you did the joyful

support steps about your event?

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So tell us the story of the event,

like kind of how it went and how it

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was felt, feeling some joy from it.

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And then I know you have some steps

that you are thinking about moving

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forward because, this was our first

time doing our, it was yours, you

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did everything, but it was your

first time doing it, all that stuff.

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Sara: That's a great idea Thank you

for that invitation So the story is it

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was beautiful There were people I knew

and people I didn't know People brought

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friends that was just beautiful and the

space we held it in I was proud of myself

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for doing something I'd never done before

in hopes that it would help others That

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those that's part of my story And then

there's more to the story which is I also

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did not walk away feeling as good as I

thought I would feel And it wasn't a bad

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feeling I think I was really hoping for

that Like I'm going to Disneyland feeling

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of just top of the mountain which I later

was able to break down I was really in

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administrative mode that was keeping me

from really being in the moment because

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I was very much looking at the time and

guiding people and like thinking about

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the setup and the breakdown So that's

okay but that is part of the story and

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that is part of the truth all of that is

the story And then joy of the event was

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How much afterwards or during people were

connecting there was a part where people

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could invite for input for this thing

that doesn't feel good in my life what is

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I'm open to suggestions And then people

got to say what I've done or what I know

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about and the level of collaboration and

encouragement And it was so beautiful

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I could have cried I probably did cry

honestly It was just so beautiful and

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then the feedback I kept this is a lot

of joy And then the feedback that I kept

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getting either right after the event or

text messages or just the feedback I kept

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getting from people of just yes I need

more of this This felt so good that all

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felt just so beautiful And then my steps

are I am First I'm changing the format

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a little bit I had everyone do the steps

like altogether like this And I think next

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time I'm actually gonna invite everyone

to do their story And we'll do we'll

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focus on story as a group and then we'll

focus on Joy as a group And then I'm also

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sending out a survey to the people who

attended cause I wanna know What really

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resonated with them what let them up And

I also wanna know what could be improved

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Like I want to refine this experience

so I'm gonna be open to feedback and I

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already scheduled my next one which if

you're in the Saratoga Springs Albany

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Capital region next one is the last

Wednesday of February and stay tuned I'm

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trying to schedule a morning one that

will be held in a woman owned coffee shop

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but I don't have details on that one yet

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Lacey: I'm just over here

like cheesing smiling.

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I wanna kind of take a step back

because these, in-person events and

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what we envisioned for what we now

call joy circles or week meetings that

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we thought about doing online, and

we will do them online eventually we

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just, it made more sense to start with

Sarah in person and that kind of stuff.

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we were actually really inspired a

lot by AA Alcoholics Anonymous and

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the idea of like, people being able to

show up and share their story and be

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there getting support in the moment.

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But the more research that I did about

AA as an organization, it really aligns

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with what we kind of wanna do with

these events and joyful support in that.

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It's decentralized.

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It's about being in that moment.

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It's not about being right, it's

not about going up the chain

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and all these different things.

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And something else that Sarah and I

have talked about is, Our goal is for

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these to not necessarily be paid events

in at some point, but to be free.

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Like, because we want this to be such

a, an inclusive and, supportive space.

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I just wanted to give people like this

frame of reference of what, where we

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started, kind of how we've been making

these decisions and joy circles.

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and how that kind of also informs where

we want them to go in the future as well.

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Sara: I wanna take this tool and I wanna

give the audience an idea of how I see

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it spreading and being utilized And then

I wanna circle back to the beginning and

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share the first time I used it with you

as far as spreading yes I was very clear

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at Joy Circle I said I'm not gatekeeping

this I encourage all of you to take this

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tool share it with anyone you think you

know would benefit And I told people I

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say I do this tool sometimes a hundred

times a day when I'm having a tough day So

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this tool can be done by yourself It can

be done with a friend I do voice memos to

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Lacey all the time with my steps then it

can be done in a circle And then my dream

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is to teach other facilitators to do joy

circles I want these to be part of mom's

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groups at libraries I want them to be part

of knitting circles Like I want it to be

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something that people utilize and spread

Because it is such an easy universal tool

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that I think will have that beautiful

joy ripple which is what we're doing here

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then I wanna go back to the beginning Yes

When Lacey and I had our ha aha moments

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Lacey brought the story aspect Which is

so important in understanding where you

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are and taking a moment to just be honest

about what's going on even if it doesn't

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feel good And then I brought the step

people who know me I'm very step oriented

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What is the next step Is probably my most

frequent sentence What is the next step

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And then we just we knew there needed

to be that third element and that's we

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together came up with the joy element

and so I wanted to share the first time

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I used this Lacey's dog had passed away

and I was sitting in my car I remember

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it was raining and I remember I just my

heart hurt for you And I thought oh my

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gosh what do I say What do I say What

do I say And then I was like oh this is

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exactly And so I just invited Lacey and

I said would you like to do the steps

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And you did And I remember feeling oh my

gosh I can show up as a friend and invite

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you to the do the steps And then by you

doing them it felt like it It supported

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you And then by me bearing witness it

just felt ugh It just felt beautiful

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So you tell me about your first time

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Lacey: I do remember that very clearly.

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'cause I think that was a.

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Important moment for us, and

I think it's important because

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When we talk about support, one

of the things we talked about

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is that it's kind of like a hug.

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When you give a hug, you also get a hug.

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That was the first time I realized

by you giving me support, you

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also got something out of it.

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And also now I was like, yeah, that's

why it's called the practical hug.

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When I give a hug, I also get a hug.

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sorry.

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I just got really excited.

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Something that I've.

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Learned in my experience of

being chronically ill is that

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people have wonderful intentions.

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They want to show up for you.

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They don't know how.

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And it was one of the first

times that I thought, oh.

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This could be a really great thing

for people to start with of, I

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don't know how to show up for you.

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I don't know what to say.

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So here this is a thing that you can

say to people like, Hey, do you wanna

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do the joyful support steps with me?

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Like that I think was one of the most.

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Important things for me is seeing

that giving and receiving in real

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time and how much I got out of it.

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And it also gave me the opportunity, I,

I told you, especially when we talk about

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that particular instance with indie,

like in my mind, so indie, let me just,

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I wanted everyone to be very clear.

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Indie is very important.

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He, was like my first baby.

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I had wanted a dog my entire life.

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Iny was my first dog,

and he was my soul dog.

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being able to tell you our story, my story

of why he was so important to me, it felt

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so good in that time, because it didn't.

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Belittle that experience, right?

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I got to, do that.

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but I also got to sit in a lot of the

joys that came with it, and not feel.

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Bad about feeling sad, but also

not feel bad about celebrating

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those good parts of him.

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it all got to be there in one place.

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I didn't have to choose.

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I didn't have to have one or the other.

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It all got to exist at once and

that is something I am not good at.

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So to have something that gives

that space for all the good and the

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bad and whatever is happening, that

has been really helpful for me.

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Sara: Yes I have so many different

things I can say from that one is Yes

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Growing up for me what I observed a

lot from the adults around me is things

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were either good or bad happy or sad

like very dichotomy And one of the tools

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that I've really enjoyed learning as an

adult is that things can be two things

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at the same time right Like packing for

a trip to Hawaii can be exciting it can

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be overwhelming Like it's okay for them

to be both And yes like you said I love

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that this tool brings everything together

And we've said over and over and I will

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say this many more times it's not about

toxic positivity We are never saying joy

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because we don't wanna see your upsetness

We're saying joy is always there We're

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bringing joy to the table So whatever's

going on with your story is valid a

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hundred percent But let's not forget

joy still exists So it's bringing that

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dichotomy and then yes the step is giving

you that that movement and that momentum

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Lacey: Well, I'm a recovering

perfectionist is one of the titles I give

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myself, but I haven't said this out loud.

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I'm a recovering, toxic,

positivity person too.

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I have always naturally been positive.

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Like that is a skill that was wired

into me and I'm so thankful for it.

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But I can look back at times where

I was like, woo, girl, you were just

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ignoring a bunch of stuff, weren't you?

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And that having something that

allows that positive part of me,

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to exist and the story exists.

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I think another thing that Sarah and

I, Also wanna be very cognizant of is

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like one of the problems that I have

with self-help in general is that comes

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along with this underlying belief or myth

that you can change your circumstance

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and that if you just work hard enough,

if you just let all the bad people

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go and do all the things that you're

supposed to do, wake up at 5:00 AM

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and have a magical morning, whatever.

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If you do all those things your life,

it's gonna get fixed and it's not.

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We still live in an an equal society.

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There are so many different inequalities

and outside forces, especially right now

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in our world that are uncontrollable at

the individual level, and we don't expect

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anyone to be able to change their life

and individual level because of this tool.

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But what we do know is that this

tool can make it a little bit easier.

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And a little bit better.

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We're not gonna, it's not gonna solve

all your problems, but at least it

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can do something, and it's also not

gonna minimize the genuine crap that

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you have in your particular situation.

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Sara: I just realized something as

you said all that You said you are

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a recovering toxic positivity I'm a

recovering chronic complainer I actually

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had some conflict in relationships because

I complained so much and it was embedded

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in me like a like computer programming It

was embedded in me and I even knew it and

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: 00:18:32

then it was like trying to change it so

it's I never realized we came at it from

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two very opposite ends of the spectrum

And it's funny cause people now especially

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if you follow me on threads like I'm all

about joy and whimsy and being silly and

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playful And sometimes I'll mention you

know that this isn't who I was Like I had

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to practice at this And people are like

what No way And it's yeah no if you used

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to see me I used to have a scowl on my

face I used to complain all the time When

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I say complain I mean saying the same

thing over and over I don't mean sharing

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something difficult Absolutely share

something difficult I would harp on the

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same things over and over without doing

anything So what I like about this is

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that step part it gives you momentum and

it like even if your step has nothing to

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do with the problem It for me it reminds

me like what do I have control over Can I

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put on some music I have control over that

what can I do even if I can't solve the

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: 00:19:35

thing that's upsetting me And I think that

was what I needed what I like to share

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: 00:19:41

with others if you live in my house you've

heard me say you get to complain once The

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: 00:19:46

second time you complain about the same

thing you're asking for a solution Because

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I used to complain so much that now I'm

like I don't wanna hear it more than once

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: 00:19:54

Lacey: I feel like that's a

good kind of winding down point.

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: 00:19:57

I know we talked about a little

bit how we're becoming the

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practical hug, but joyful support

steps are still one of our tools.

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: 00:20:04

We have kind of pulled the tools

out of home management for everyone.

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And that kind of stuff so they can be

used in all different contexts of life.

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: 00:20:14

And we are currently building

a new toolkit, place to

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learn and do these things.

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: 00:20:21

And it's like the light

of my life right now.

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: 00:20:23

I'm, I'm building an app.

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: 00:20:24

Don't worry about it.

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: 00:20:25

Anyway, this is something you're gonna

hear more from us here on No Shame

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: 00:20:30

in our game, It became very clear to

Sarah and I that we want to make sure

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people recognize and have access to

these tools and we wanna be there to

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: 00:20:40

help them do it and to do it together

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: 00:20:44

Sara: Yes You are not alone

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: 00:20:46

Lacey: Yeah.

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: 00:20:47

Sara: That was one of the biggest things

from the joy circle bringing this all

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: 00:20:50

circling this back together is everyone

got to see that everyone else is going

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: 00:20:56

through something and even though we

couldn't fix each other's problems okay

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: 00:21:00

I am not alone Everyone's got something

going on and there was comfort in that

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: 00:21:05

Lacey: Well, we do like to end no shame

in our game with a moment of gratitude.

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: 00:21:10

I have a really, really silly one.

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: 00:21:12

Sara: Yeah let's

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: 00:21:13

Lacey: I'm thankful for my hair.

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: 00:21:15

I'm grateful for my hair.

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: 00:21:17

for some reason I have really nailed

down my messy bun look to a place where

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: 00:21:22

I feel is very like Bridget Bardo.

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: 00:21:26

Nineties, Pam Anderson of like

messy but adorable and like

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: 00:21:31

all those different things.

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: 00:21:32

And I, the past three days, it's just

happened and I am feeling it 'cause

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: 00:21:36

my hair has to be up 'cause it's

constantly being pulled on by a child.

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: 00:21:39

but I've got my bangs and

I feel like it softens it.

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: 00:21:42

I don't leave the house.

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: 00:21:43

So it's just nice to feel

like I'm not a complete mess.

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: 00:21:48

And that's what my hair has

been doing for me lately.

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: 00:21:52

Sara: It is adorable I've never been able

to do that with my hair I am appreciating

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: 00:21:56

it it's ados mine is a little bit of

appreciating the joy to know the story

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: 00:22:01

first which is I am entering my third

week of debilitating back pain I am taking

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: 00:22:07

steps to figure out what it is So we're

getting there But so my joy is The sun

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: 00:22:13

is out I say that because it's making the

world a difference with my mood that's

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: 00:22:20

it Like the pain comes and goes and is

there but I look outside and I can see

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: 00:22:26

the sun and it's two fricking degrees

It's so freaking cold but the sun is

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: 00:22:31

out and it It feels good and I love it

and it makes me smile and thank you son

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: 00:22:37

Please stick around because it's making

a big difference So that's mine sunshine

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: 00:22:42

Lacey: As always, thank you Sarah.

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: 00:22:44

Sara: Thank you Lacey I