Episode 13
How to Start When You Don't Know Where to Begin
Welcome to another episode of No Shame in the Home Game ! We're tackling that all-too-familiar question: "Where do I even start?" when facing home challenges. Join Lacey and Sara as they demystify the starting point dilemma using a real-life kitchen table example. With compassion and practical wisdom, they share their detective-inspired approach to noticing patterns without judgment, creating simple systems for recurring items, and celebrating even the tiniest victories.
This conversation is filled with permission to begin imperfectly, embrace your unique process, and find joy in small transformations. Whether you're drowning in paperwork or simply need a fresh perspective on your spaces, this episode offers the gentle nudge and actionable steps you need to move from overwhelm to "I've got this!" So pour yourself something delicious, get cozy, and let's transform our homes one cleared surface at a time!
We discuss:
- How to approach cluttered spaces with a detective mindset rather than judgment
- The power of creating simple systems for recurring items (like children's artwork and bills)
- Practical solutions for paper management, including digital archiving
- The importance of noticing patterns without shame
- Why celebrating small victories fuels continued progress
Products mentioned that might help your journey:
- Multi-purpose cleaner for refreshing cleared surfaces
- Lacey’s Art Preservation Station Canva Templates
Related resources:
- Home Management for Neurodiversity (Part of Joyful Support Village Builder Membership)
Mentioned in this episode:
Cubtale
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Transcript
Foreign.
Speaker B:The Home Game, the podcast that cares how your home feels, not looks.
Speaker B:I am Lacy, your deeply feeling co host.
Speaker B:Not that my other co host isn't deeply feeling.
Speaker B:I just.
Speaker B:I'm feeling today I'm gonna feeling I'm a postpartum mom.
Speaker B:I have a lot of feelings.
Speaker B:Sarah.
Speaker B:Hi, Sarah.
Speaker A:Hi, Lacey.
Speaker B:Cause we're talking about how to start things right when you don't know where to start.
Speaker B:I know for me that one of the biggest things that I learned in therapy was how not knowing where to start meant I didn't start things.
Speaker B:And I didn't always recognize that, especially when it comes to, like, cleaning and whatnot.
Speaker B:And so be.
Speaker B:One of.
Speaker B:That's one of the biggest things I've learned with you is like starting imperfectly and not needing to finish right away has just changed my mindset on how I attack things.
Speaker B:So I'm so excited to talk about this today, but I do wanna pause because this is one of those things that you got people online, I believe, that asked you about this.
Speaker A:That is correct.
Speaker A:And in addition to that, that is a through line with most people I work with is some people want to do the work together, and some people just need to know what are the order of operations, and they just need to kind of know what that end point is.
Speaker A:So, yeah, no, that is the through line in most things.
Speaker A:And I'm really glad that you picked up on that as a strength of mine because that is actually something I've had to work on.
Speaker A:This did not come naturally to me.
Speaker A:I too, was sort of a.
Speaker A:You do it all perfectly.
Speaker A:And so what is it?
Speaker A:Perfection?
Speaker A:Is the.
Speaker A:What's the expression?
Speaker B:Like an enemy of done or something?
Speaker A:Yes, yes.
Speaker A:And so I too have had to learn how to just start things imperfectly and set little tiny goals instead of perfectly done.
Speaker B:For neurodivergence especially, I know for me, when I was in my worst part of my anxiety, this was a struggle.
Speaker B:I know the ADHDers in my household, this is something that they really struggle with, that I've learned more about in that, like breaking things down.
Speaker B:While that's part of their process, that's not necessarily the answer for them.
Speaker B:So there's all kinds of approaches to this and that I think I want to acknowledge up front that neurodivergence has a.
Speaker B:This has a big part in neurodivergence and that it's really important for us to say, as we always say, it's what works for you.
Speaker B:If it doesn't work, leave it, move on, try Something else.
Speaker B:And so that's a big kind of upfront thing that I want to make sure we mention.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker A:And on that note, I said order of operations, which means we're telling you a guideline, a framework, but you get to make up your own order of operations.
Speaker A:It's just a structure that you plug in your own elements.
Speaker A:It's like cooking a meal.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like a protein, a vegetable, starch.
Speaker A:Like, we're not telling you what your protein is, but we're just giving you that framework.
Speaker A:So, absolutely.
Speaker A:Whatever your order of operation is, where do we start?
Speaker B:I also want to point out that I think this is also a really important topic for us.
Speaker B:I promise we're going to actually start talking about it.
Speaker B:But we often talk about how in our framework of joyful support, it's all about 1% movement, that doing any little thing is better than nothing.
Speaker B:So this, when we talk about if you don't know to start, how to start, this is so important to us in so many different ways.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:And on that 1% movement, I would say that is the first step is define a boundary.
Speaker A:And by a boundary, I mean like an area.
Speaker A:And so as small as you want, because you can always go bigger.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So if you're looking at your whole kitchen, look at a counter.
Speaker A:If you're looking at a whole counter, look at a corner of a counter.
Speaker A:Like, break it down.
Speaker A:So like you said, build on that 1%.
Speaker A:And that would be the first step of where to start.
Speaker B:And I think one thing, especially in my household that I learned with adhd, is sometimes you see the first step, but you still are looking at all the other steps that it's not helping.
Speaker B:So when, like, I'm trying to help my son with this, I'm.
Speaker B:What I always say is just do pull it away.
Speaker B:One toy, One toy.
Speaker B:I don't care if you do anything else.
Speaker B:Just put away one toy.
Speaker B:And that usually helps him kind of really write set down into.
Speaker B:I'm not going to worry about the rest of the toys.
Speaker B:Put away one toy.
Speaker B:That's all that I need to do right now.
Speaker B:And so when we say 1%, we truly mean, just look at that one thing.
Speaker B:One thing.
Speaker B:You don't need to look further than that, because with that one thing, you've started.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker A:So if we're.
Speaker A:I'm already.
Speaker A:I'm already structuring how I want to share this.
Speaker A:If we are talking about your home, whether it's a house or an apartment, whatever.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So think about the whole area and we talk about Breaking it down into two departments and then zones.
Speaker A:So let's break down your whole home.
Speaker A:Let's go down to one department.
Speaker A:Lacey, pick a department.
Speaker A:Any department.
Speaker B:Kitchen.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Kitchen is great.
Speaker A:Within your kitchen, you have zones.
Speaker A:So if you walk into your kitchen and you say, I'm overwhelmed, I don't know where to start.
Speaker A:Okay, first of all, we're only looking in the kitchen.
Speaker A:Stop looking at the TV room.
Speaker A:Stop looking at the mudroom.
Speaker A:Then pick a zone.
Speaker A:And there's really no right or wrong way to pick.
Speaker A:But examples of a zone would be if you have an island, if you have a kitchen table, the sink, the dishwasher, or the garbage can, break it down into one area.
Speaker A:So lacy pin, Pick a zone.
Speaker B:Kitchen table.
Speaker A:Great.
Speaker A:See what progress we're already making.
Speaker A:We've gone from the whole house to a department, which is the kitchen, to a zone, which is the kitchen table.
Speaker A:Awesome.
Speaker A:And if you say the kitchen table feels like too much, draw a line, the imaginary line down the middle and do half the table.
Speaker A:That's totally fine.
Speaker A:The first step I would always take with anyone who's overwhelmed is I always say, go for the low hanging fruit.
Speaker A:Trash is the lowest hanging fruit.
Speaker A:Pull up that trash can right next to the table and just start picking out the trash.
Speaker A:And that is usually very clear.
Speaker A:You know, is it like a dirty napkin?
Speaker A:A dirty paper towel?
Speaker A:Is it a crumpled bill that you meant to throw away?
Speaker A:And if you want to go.
Speaker B:Yeah, can I pause you?
Speaker A:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker B:I feel like identifying trash actually is one of our hardest parts on our kitchen table, because you have things like kids artwork.
Speaker B:You have things like bills that were just opened and then set down.
Speaker B:So you're like, is this done?
Speaker B:Is it not done?
Speaker B:So it's.
Speaker B:It.
Speaker B:It almost become.
Speaker B:Well.
Speaker B:And oh, my gosh, Sarah, I have so much to tell you.
Speaker B:I've done a lot of work in this area to try to attack it, fight that on.
Speaker B:The ability to not identify true trash is one of my.
Speaker B:Has been one of my barriers.
Speaker B:So I guess I would say even take a step back, just whatever's clearly trash, like, because there's some stuff on there for me that has to go through processing, and processing is a task.
Speaker B:So even when you're talking about throwing things away, just throw away the obvious things.
Speaker A:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker A:This is.
Speaker A:So I look at everything like a decision tree.
Speaker A:So if we're approaching the.
Speaker A:The kitchen table as a decision tree, and I say, and if you look at it and it's not within a split second, trash, then the other branch of the decision tree is undecided.
Speaker A:So just leave it.
Speaker A:Just leave it.
Speaker A:If you're not sure, just leave it.
Speaker A:Just pick up the trash and then.
Speaker A:And if you want to be particular, like, if you want to pull up the recycle bin too, if you know, like the envelope, for instance, from the bill, you don't need the envelope.
Speaker A:You can recycle that.
Speaker A:So anything that is just instantly recognizable.
Speaker B:Can I also pause there?
Speaker B:Sorry.
Speaker A:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker A:No, this is great.
Speaker A:This is how we learn.
Speaker A:Go for it.
Speaker B:So one of the things that I. I learned this from Casey Davis and Struggle care and her how to pass while drowning.
Speaker B:This was a big takeaway for me.
Speaker B:Is a lot of times our ego, moral responsibility, we often put that above our, like, mental health.
Speaker B:So even if you just need to get this done and you're not going to worry about what is and what is not recyclable, that is also.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:You're allowed to consider yourself in this equation.
Speaker A:A hundred.
Speaker A:A hundred percent.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:That is.
Speaker A:I'm glad you pointed that out, because I. I go through that sometimes when I'm cleaning out my refrigerator, and, yeah, sometimes I'm like, I know the right thing to do here.
Speaker A:And then I'm.
Speaker A:And then I get stuck, and I'm like, I am just emotionally, I'm just spewing emotional energy here.
Speaker A:That's gonna slow down this process.
Speaker A:So good point.
Speaker A:So if you easily pick out the trash and then that's done.
Speaker A:So then the next category, and this is where it's like a.
Speaker A:Choose your own adventure.
Speaker A:So the next lowest hanging branch could be.
Speaker A:And I'll let you pick.
Speaker A:Lacy.
Speaker A:Do you want to do undecided paper, or do you want to do items that you know where they belong?
Speaker B:Ooh, items that I know where they belong.
Speaker B:One condo.
Speaker A:Awesome.
Speaker A:So with this.
Speaker A:And again, I'm always looking at this from a physical energy as well as mental energy.
Speaker A:So let's say you bring a bin, like, just an empty Tupperware or like a tote.
Speaker A:What do you call it?
Speaker A:Tote.
Speaker A:Tote.
Speaker A:Like a plastic tote.
Speaker A:If you just have something that's empty or a box, just bring it right up to the table.
Speaker A:And let's say you can look and you can easily identify.
Speaker A:That's a toy that belongs in the toy room.
Speaker A:That's a dirty cup that belongs in the dishwasher.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And you're just going through, and you're like, these items just don't even belong on the table.
Speaker A:They may not even belong in the kitchen.
Speaker A:Put those all in the tote.
Speaker A:And then when you go to put those away, you carry the tote with you or push the tote around, and then you're looking at just the tote and what just needs to go away.
Speaker A:Okay, so we've cleared off the trash.
Speaker A:We've cleared off things that don't belong on the kitchen table.
Speaker A:They don't live there.
Speaker A:Just put those in a tote and.
Speaker B:You know where they live.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:So again, decision tree.
Speaker A:So if your decision tree right now is you're just picking out things that don't live on the kitchen table, put them in the bin.
Speaker A:Then when you're going through the bin, the decision tree is, do I know where this goes or does this not have a home that becomes its own decision tree?
Speaker A:So again, it's.
Speaker A:It's preserving as much mental energy as you can.
Speaker A:And quick side note, I actually made a time lapsed video of doing this, so you can actually watch the efficient way to do this.
Speaker A:So taking off everything that doesn't belong.
Speaker A:Okay, now we're left with we've definitely got the papers you mentioned, the kids artwork, the bills.
Speaker A:Can you picturing your kitchen table right now?
Speaker A:If you removed the trash and items that belong elsewhere, what else would be left on your kitchen table?
Speaker B:There would be papers, like we said.
Speaker B:There would also still be questionable things that I know don't belong elsewhere.
Speaker B:But so my.
Speaker B:See, my children are so sentimental and if I throw anything away, sometimes they get very frustrated.
Speaker B:But for me, if I put it in that box to get put somewhere else, then we're preserving it.
Speaker B:So there's just always these little odds and ends that end up staying there that I know aren't going to live anywhere else.
Speaker B:It's like a limbo between just being trash and living somewhere.
Speaker A:Okay, great.
Speaker A:I've got the decision tree for you.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Next is I would get some kind of receptacle specific for house documents, whether they're bills, things that need to be filed, things that.
Speaker A:So things that are important that you do not want to lose track of.
Speaker A:That new health insurance card, your new, you know, plate registration.
Speaker A:So I would get some kind of tray or you can even collect them and just put like a big binder clip on them.
Speaker A:But these are things that you do not want to lose track of or maybe have a due date attached to them.
Speaker A:So pull those all out.
Speaker A:Because what I'm hearing from Lacy is there's a lot of.
Speaker A:I'm not allowed to throw it away.
Speaker A:I don't really want to keep It.
Speaker A:Okay, so if you're in that world, I would say, then get another.
Speaker A:I would say, then get another kind of box or plastic tote, something.
Speaker A:And I'm kind of making this specific to Lacy.
Speaker A:So anyone listening, you can extrapolate this.
Speaker A:However, this applies to your world.
Speaker A:So for Lacy specifically, I'm hearing children's memorabilia, Whether that's memorabilia to you or to them.
Speaker A:And we've talked about this on other episodes.
Speaker A:Which episode was that we were talking about kids memorabilia.
Speaker B:1.
Speaker A:Oh, well, there you go.
Speaker A:So if you want to hear more about that.
Speaker A:But in general, what I would say is have a tote that you put all of that sort of.
Speaker A:There's emotional attachment around it.
Speaker A:From either the adult's perspective or the children's perspective, you put it in the tote, and then you have some kind of due date associated with it.
Speaker A:Whether it's when the tote gets full or maybe once a month or maybe once a quarter, that's when you go through it.
Speaker A:And how you do that's a little bit of a deeper dive.
Speaker A:So you'll have to listen to that episode.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:Because of what we're talking about, I have new systems in place that I'm really excited about to prevent the kitchen table getting covered.
Speaker B:Because what you're saying is kind of the process that I've gone through.
Speaker B:We still have the.
Speaker B:What I like to call miscellaneous crap.
Speaker B:Just making sure I don't hear about.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:But what I've done is I've created a station before they get to the.
Speaker B:The kitchen table that they.
Speaker B:And I have a decision tree that I made.
Speaker B:Nice.
Speaker B:Like, okay, you either throw it away right away.
Speaker B:You can put it in this thing.
Speaker B:That's what I'm calling a digital archive.
Speaker B:Means mommy will take a picture of it and then get rid of it or keep forever.
Speaker B:But the thing about keep forever is once it fills up, then you have to go back to the top and start getting rid of things.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker B:So we've only had it one day.
Speaker A:So let's not get too well and share that with the audience.
Speaker B:Okay, I will.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And then the other part of it.
Speaker B:So when it comes to bills, I have made everything in our household as much as possible, paper free.
Speaker B:My husband has not taken that initiative.
Speaker B:So every once in a while, we get bills.
Speaker B:And I'm like, I don't know what to do with this.
Speaker B:Cause it's his and that kind of stuff.
Speaker B:So he and I have now come up with a system where if it's a bill, I'M going to take care of it and I'm going to take a picture of it.
Speaker B:And then I have a whole system now that it gets uploaded in my notion and it becomes a task for me to pay.
Speaker B:And then it then can live digitally and not live on the table.
Speaker B:So what I'm trying to do now is prevent all of these things being on the kitchen table because I've cleared the table off and identified what was there.
Speaker A:That's amazing.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker A:And what you're talking about right now is just so people don't get overwhelmed is very much a process.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah.
Speaker A:So if you feel like, oh my gosh, I don't know what my process is.
Speaker A:Don't, don't, don't let that stop you.
Speaker A:Just know that there are then next steps you can take.
Speaker A:But the principles that are important here are what I say all the time is like with like, right?
Speaker A:So you said you take a picture of the bills.
Speaker A:So like, that goes to Lacy, you know, the children's memorabilia that can all go together.
Speaker A:So even if you don't have a process or a system for these things, if you keep like with like, then when you have the mental energy, physical energy to develop a process, all your like with like will be together.
Speaker A:And then that makes it infinitely easier.
Speaker A:What's hard is when you take the whole grocery store and throw it into one big pile, you know, and you're like picking out the box of cereal and then the orange and then the milk, right?
Speaker A:So just try to keep similar items together.
Speaker A:And then most importantly, reward yourself at the end of this process with whatever feels good to you.
Speaker A:If you're going to take a multiple purpose cleaner and, you know, paper towel, wipe down that surface and then put whatever, you know, lovely little centerpiece or tablecloth, you know, make sure that you actually take a moment to then savor that work that you did, no matter how small or big or medium, whatever the size, because then, as we always say, that will be your fuel to then go forward.
Speaker B:I will say by doing this process too, what it did is it helped me identify what was on there.
Speaker B:And it takes some time to just notice without the judgment.
Speaker B:So I noticed that my kids stuff were getting there.
Speaker B:I noticed that we were having these bills that I weren't part of my process and I didn't know what to do with.
Speaker B:And was there a period of time where I was angry.
Speaker B:I was just like, why can't you people do this?
Speaker B:But then I took a step back and I'm like, okay, no, they don't know where things need to go.
Speaker B:So let's, let's remove that judgment, notice what I'm seeing, and then plan around that for future use.
Speaker A:That is such a great point.
Speaker A:And that reminds me of our executive functioning expert.
Speaker A:Corey and I created a course, Home Management for Neurodiversity.
Speaker A:And we actually went through her mud room together.
Speaker A:And you can watch the process in the course.
Speaker A:And part of that was noticing and asking questions about the items that were there.
Speaker A:And very much like, is this a one off thing?
Speaker A:Is this a recurring thing?
Speaker A:Because then you start to learn what support structures do you need?
Speaker A:Does the trash can need to be closer to the table?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:If jackets are always, always ending up on the chair, do you have a coat rack?
Speaker A:You know, when I was doing my friend's table, there were lots of baseball hats.
Speaker A:Well, there wasn't actually a designated home for any baseball hats when they came in the house.
Speaker A:So yes, I like that you said just kind of noticing without judging and then that can help.
Speaker A:But we've definitely, but that's definitely like a part two conversation.
Speaker B:It's also part of your mindset to get started.
Speaker B:Like I'm not judging myself for this.
Speaker B:I'm like, you're a detective to figure out what's going on, not to.
Speaker B:You're not framing someone for the job.
Speaker B:You're just coming in to get the facts, just the facts, so that you can find the answers.
Speaker A:I, I do like that you said that.
Speaker A:Because that does bring us back to like mindset.
Speaker A:You're not going to get 1% done if you come in with a shame or a punishment or like a self deprecating mindset.
Speaker A:You're absolutely right.
Speaker A:Like I guess that's the first step before you even define zone and department is mindset.
Speaker A:Focus on, I'm taking a step, I'm doing something and just, just be curious if you have to kind of remove yourself.
Speaker A:See it as a third party person who has zero emotional attachment to it.
Speaker A:And then yeah, just be curious about solutions.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Now I am coming up with an inspector version of myself.
Speaker B:Like home management, Inspector latency.
Speaker A:Once inspector kind of makes think I think detective is better.
Speaker A:Inspector feels like I'm gonna inspect to make sure you're grade A.
Speaker A:Like nobody wants to be judged.
Speaker A:But detective I've been, I've been called, try to understand the work I do.
Speaker A:I've often been called a detective because I ask so many questions.
Speaker B:I like that.
Speaker A:This was a great place to start.
Speaker A:I really hope I could just imagine a whole series where people take pictures some or tag them maybe on Instagram, and then they're like, where do I start?
Speaker A:And then people can help.
Speaker A:Start helping other people and being like, oh, start with the trash.
Speaker A:Start with this.
Speaker B:So, yes, I would love to see it.
Speaker B:We're gonna make it part of our social media for this episode.
Speaker A:This was fun.
Speaker A:Thank you, Lacy.
Speaker A:This was such an uplifting time for me.
Speaker A:Thank you.